On a State of Mind

Burnout


I remember the by-product of my burnout being one flaming pillar of thought. I have to become more than a second generation businessman. There were so many things about me, so many aspects of my personality that I had to let die or simply suppress so that they wouldn't come in the way of me having to focus on just this one thing. It truly is a destructive state of mind and I would not wish it on anyone. 

I went into denial, believing that I could balance everything by not accepting the common opinion about willpower being a limited resource, that I was better than other people and I could do everything I wanted to do. I dived headlong into it. I purchased material for hobbies in the physical and digital realm, and started with accumulating knowledge to put the same to use. What I did not realise at the time was that this was a result of crippling FOMO. When I found out that my friends were reading certain websites/magazines, I purchased subscriptions to the same with no respect for money. My thinking about the time was that I was whoring myself out to the profession chosen for me so I didn't have to care about the ethics of my fiscal actions. My efforts were half baked, time wasted and I was evermore frustrated. 

Each stage of my burnout lasted at least for a year before progressing to the next one and it took being loved by and to a strong, amazing woman who gave me unfathomable confidence and helped me uncover my ability to love myself. A small spurt of confidence is enough to light the fire. Below are two anecdotes that I hold as benchmarks of change in my life

My father always advocated a work policy where personal time isn't an issue so long one's ready to reply to carry out a task regardless of time of day. When I was single I did all this while wrangling my own secret time for myself. This was mentally taxing but I dealt with it by distracting myself, assuming that there were no repercussions. My self worth was no where to be found and I was being manipulated to the hilt. The best example for this would be that I had a working honeymoon. You read it right. I started becoming averse to conflicts around the time I was 10 and just began nodding in agreement to matters where I would feel like I was being treated unjustly but asking for justice would mean I would have to fight for it, and so I didn't fight with my old man when he decided to butt his head into one of the most private moments of my life. My lovely bride to be is the most understanding woman I have ever come across and I owe everything to her. She dubbed this plan a "busimoon" and told me to extend the number of days in the trip. Naturally my folks were surprised. They wanted to know if this was feasible and if I could be away for that long. That was the first time I fought for something. 

The second time was when my wife took us away on my birthday for a beach vacation which was a dream scenario for me. Her only caveat was I carry only reading material and no tech with me. She'd had enough and wanted to create a scenario where I could indulge in some self care, unfettered by work. My anxiety about this was thru the roof. I was worried about the repercussions. How many shouting matches awaited me back at work? Could I escape from it unscathed? My folks didn't understand the concept of personal space, I could only enjoy 2 hours reading and drinking before the anxiety got the better of me.  After that I did what calmed me down best, walked along the length of the beach in contemplation. I did end up getting some reading done, which was the most I had in 3 years. I couldn't enjoy the trip the way I would have liked but we got in some much needed time together. That trip sucked so that future trips could be brilliant because it was the catalyst that helped to change my life. 

The one event that galvanised me was the birth of my son. It sounds stupid but at that moment I wanted to not be burnt out. I needed to be present. I wanted to be with him from day one and I wasn't going to be an absentee dad, I wanted him to love and respect me and that wasn't going to happen if I didn't love and respect myself. I took 9 months off from the day we flew to my wife's place for the delivery and came back to work only after he was 6 months. I didn't care what people said, I told my clients I was a part time worker and full time father. Everyone was happy and congratulatory save for my folks. Towards the end when my father admitted he was tired taking on the full load again and asked me to return, that we planned to leave. We left on our terms, for which I fought albeit diplomatically. From the day he was born I fought and have not stopped. Some battles were lost, some were won, and the outcome of others left us humbled, which only made us better people. 

When I started out writing this post it was meant to highlight a state of my mind and also to provide some catharsis. The original post was 2,000 words long and felt like it was going nowhere and so this post was born. I still feel like this post is going nowhere but I am able to wrap it up with some semblance of achievement and yes it has definitely been a cathartic experience.

20/03/2020

Dear Achu,

During the course of time from the day you were born leading right up to your first birthday, I have learnt a lot. Life has, I would say has rewarded me with a lot of teachable moments. Some left me humbled and some left big welts on my ego that would take aeons to heal. Nevertheless on an objective day I would recall those moments and take away the lessons from them and try to apply them in my life. It is safe to say that the success of the application only happens in my head and once I’ve felt that I have successfully simulated the said action in my head, it is done and that I can do it whenever a situation demands it. 

This is a life lesson right here. If you ever think up or of something that needs to reflect in your life, execute that thought then and there. Or if you aren’t in a position to do it at that moment, write it down somewhere so that you can act on it as soon as opportunity presents itself. This also means that you must be mindful. Of your thoughts, feelings, actions. A corollary to this statement would be that if you’re mindful of yourself, when thoughts that need to be actioned cross your mind, you will never forget about them. But that’s a letter for another day.

I’d been blogging like the angsty teen/ young adult that I was, from 2007 to 2013, this blog's history will attest. My young attention-seeking self really got off on it but as I discovered other outlets to stay entertained I lost interest in writing and reading, which I hadn’t regained until a few weeks before this letter was written. The idea for this format came to me when I began thinking about what kind of father I would be. What would I be able to teach you? What values and ethics would I be able to imbibe unto you? Incidentally the panic that this stream of thought caused me was also what inspired me to read again, and at the same time really look inward and answer the aforementioned questions.

Happy birthday my son. 

Love, 
Appa 


P.S.: It sucks that COVID-19 stole the thunder from your first. We had a fantastic celebration planned.

It's been 7 years

I cannot believe I hadn't deleted this blog, however I'm glad that I didn't. This one contains what is perhaps my most inspired writing at the time, if you can excuse some of the cringe inducing textbook teenage angsty rants, which seemed so profound back then

Returning to blogger was an easy decision since Ghost as a platform is good for personal blogs if you can manage to self host the thing. Otherwise a USD 399 annual subscription just isn't worth it and since my custom domain is managed by Google, pointing to the same on blogger was a cakewalk. In my never-ending quest for minimalism/ simplicity I found that reverting the theme to the classic one, was the best choice.

I cannot believe it's been 7 years.

I was going to post something very philosophical or just another account of my life.
Turns out I can't spin things up that fast.

Oh well

Why the day you turn 23 isn't any more special than any other day

the year is two zero one three
this year I turn twenty three
my rhyme maybe lame,
but fuck you, this is my game.


do you see just how not special this pome this?
i treat my birthday the same way.
i haven't celebrated my birthday in six years.
I don't expect that to change any time soon.

Stop this train

Before:

I rent a room and I fill the spaces with
Wood in places to make it feel like home
But all I feel's alone
It might be a quarter life crisis
Or just the stirring in my soul
Either way I wonder sometimes
About the outcome
Of a still verdict-less life
Am I living it right?


After:
When you gonna wise up, boy?
You are hiding in your mind
Working all the time
Trying to make it better than you got it
And you've been spending all your time searching for a sign
That's never gonna look the way you want it
I think you better wise up, boy

This is the two phases of my life spanning over the last 353 days described in the golden lyrics of two of John Mayer's best.

I wish I could write about my quarter life crisis, paint a glorious picture with words.But as the only follower of my blog said, all this is really stupid and I'm just fussing over things I can't change.
Can't thank you enough for that H.

Last Sunday, this time, I was boarding a flight to Malaysia. The feelings were quite mundane, even though it was my first ever visit abroad. The purpose was purely official. It, was, a lot of adjectives that cannot be used side by side in a single sentence.


One of the highlights was the flight there. I couldn't sleep, I've never managed to muster sleep on-board an aircraft, ever. So after a very brief period of going semi fetal and falling barely asleep, I woke up to zero lights around except the signs. I looked out the window and saw what registered in my disoriented state as several million spots in front of my eyes. Further focus revealed them to be stars. I've never flown on late night flights.The sky at 36,000 feet at 23 past 1 in the morning, is a spectacle whose majesty will be assuredly ruined by the words of a human. My face was plastered to the window of the darn emergency exit, staring at the infinitesimal tapestry of jet black, with ever so many glowing dots. It was a humbling experience, and maybe it was because I desperately wanted to believe blindly in something that appealed to me, but I found my God in its sheer vastness and beauty.

If I was sleepy, suddenly I was wide awake.
If I needed inspiration, that image is all I would need.

Indescribable, unfathomable, unexplored.
A spectacle genuinely worthy, of 'awesome'