On a State of Mind
Burnout
I remember the by-product of my burnout being one flaming pillar of thought. I have to become more than a second generation businessman. There were so many things about me, so many aspects of my personality that I had to let die or simply suppress so that they wouldn't come in the way of me having to focus on just this one thing. It truly is a destructive state of mind and I would not wish it on anyone.
I went into denial, believing that I could balance everything by not accepting the common opinion about willpower being a limited resource, that I was better than other people and I could do everything I wanted to do. I dived headlong into it. I purchased material for hobbies in the physical and digital realm, and started with accumulating knowledge to put the same to use. What I did not realise at the time was that this was a result of crippling FOMO. When I found out that my friends were reading certain websites/magazines, I purchased subscriptions to the same with no respect for money. My thinking about the time was that I was whoring myself out to the profession chosen for me so I didn't have to care about the ethics of my fiscal actions. My efforts were half baked, time wasted and I was evermore frustrated.
Each stage of my burnout lasted at least for a year before progressing to the next one and it took being loved by and to a strong, amazing woman who gave me unfathomable confidence and helped me uncover my ability to love myself. A small spurt of confidence is enough to light the fire. Below are two anecdotes that I hold as benchmarks of change in my life
My father always advocated a work policy where personal time isn't an issue so long one's ready to reply to carry out a task regardless of time of day. When I was single I did all this while wrangling my own secret time for myself. This was mentally taxing but I dealt with it by distracting myself, assuming that there were no repercussions. My self worth was no where to be found and I was being manipulated to the hilt. The best example for this would be that I had a working honeymoon. You read it right. I started becoming averse to conflicts around the time I was 10 and just began nodding in agreement to matters where I would feel like I was being treated unjustly but asking for justice would mean I would have to fight for it, and so I didn't fight with my old man when he decided to butt his head into one of the most private moments of my life. My lovely bride to be is the most understanding woman I have ever come across and I owe everything to her. She dubbed this plan a "busimoon" and told me to extend the number of days in the trip. Naturally my folks were surprised. They wanted to know if this was feasible and if I could be away for that long. That was the first time I fought for something.
The second time was when my wife took us away on my birthday for a beach vacation which was a dream scenario for me. Her only caveat was I carry only reading material and no tech with me. She'd had enough and wanted to create a scenario where I could indulge in some self care, unfettered by work. My anxiety about this was thru the roof. I was worried about the repercussions. How many shouting matches awaited me back at work? Could I escape from it unscathed? My folks didn't understand the concept of personal space, I could only enjoy 2 hours reading and drinking before the anxiety got the better of me. After that I did what calmed me down best, walked along the length of the beach in contemplation. I did end up getting some reading done, which was the most I had in 3 years. I couldn't enjoy the trip the way I would have liked but we got in some much needed time together. That trip sucked so that future trips could be brilliant because it was the catalyst that helped to change my life.
The one event that galvanised me was the birth of my son. It sounds stupid but at that moment I wanted to not be burnt out. I needed to be present. I wanted to be with him from day one and I wasn't going to be an absentee dad, I wanted him to love and respect me and that wasn't going to happen if I didn't love and respect myself. I took 9 months off from the day we flew to my wife's place for the delivery and came back to work only after he was 6 months. I didn't care what people said, I told my clients I was a part time worker and full time father. Everyone was happy and congratulatory save for my folks. Towards the end when my father admitted he was tired taking on the full load again and asked me to return, that we planned to leave. We left on our terms, for which I fought albeit diplomatically. From the day he was born I fought and have not stopped. Some battles were lost, some were won, and the outcome of others left us humbled, which only made us better people.
When I started out writing this post it was meant to highlight a state of my mind and also to provide some catharsis. The original post was 2,000 words long and felt like it was going nowhere and so this post was born. I still feel like this post is going nowhere but I am able to wrap it up with some semblance of achievement and yes it has definitely been a cathartic experience.
I remember the by-product of my burnout being one flaming pillar of thought. I have to become more than a second generation businessman. There were so many things about me, so many aspects of my personality that I had to let die or simply suppress so that they wouldn't come in the way of me having to focus on just this one thing. It truly is a destructive state of mind and I would not wish it on anyone.
I went into denial, believing that I could balance everything by not accepting the common opinion about willpower being a limited resource, that I was better than other people and I could do everything I wanted to do. I dived headlong into it. I purchased material for hobbies in the physical and digital realm, and started with accumulating knowledge to put the same to use. What I did not realise at the time was that this was a result of crippling FOMO. When I found out that my friends were reading certain websites/magazines, I purchased subscriptions to the same with no respect for money. My thinking about the time was that I was whoring myself out to the profession chosen for me so I didn't have to care about the ethics of my fiscal actions. My efforts were half baked, time wasted and I was evermore frustrated.
Each stage of my burnout lasted at least for a year before progressing to the next one and it took being loved by and to a strong, amazing woman who gave me unfathomable confidence and helped me uncover my ability to love myself. A small spurt of confidence is enough to light the fire. Below are two anecdotes that I hold as benchmarks of change in my life
My father always advocated a work policy where personal time isn't an issue so long one's ready to reply to carry out a task regardless of time of day. When I was single I did all this while wrangling my own secret time for myself. This was mentally taxing but I dealt with it by distracting myself, assuming that there were no repercussions. My self worth was no where to be found and I was being manipulated to the hilt. The best example for this would be that I had a working honeymoon. You read it right. I started becoming averse to conflicts around the time I was 10 and just began nodding in agreement to matters where I would feel like I was being treated unjustly but asking for justice would mean I would have to fight for it, and so I didn't fight with my old man when he decided to butt his head into one of the most private moments of my life. My lovely bride to be is the most understanding woman I have ever come across and I owe everything to her. She dubbed this plan a "busimoon" and told me to extend the number of days in the trip. Naturally my folks were surprised. They wanted to know if this was feasible and if I could be away for that long. That was the first time I fought for something.
The second time was when my wife took us away on my birthday for a beach vacation which was a dream scenario for me. Her only caveat was I carry only reading material and no tech with me. She'd had enough and wanted to create a scenario where I could indulge in some self care, unfettered by work. My anxiety about this was thru the roof. I was worried about the repercussions. How many shouting matches awaited me back at work? Could I escape from it unscathed? My folks didn't understand the concept of personal space, I could only enjoy 2 hours reading and drinking before the anxiety got the better of me. After that I did what calmed me down best, walked along the length of the beach in contemplation. I did end up getting some reading done, which was the most I had in 3 years. I couldn't enjoy the trip the way I would have liked but we got in some much needed time together. That trip sucked so that future trips could be brilliant because it was the catalyst that helped to change my life.
The one event that galvanised me was the birth of my son. It sounds stupid but at that moment I wanted to not be burnt out. I needed to be present. I wanted to be with him from day one and I wasn't going to be an absentee dad, I wanted him to love and respect me and that wasn't going to happen if I didn't love and respect myself. I took 9 months off from the day we flew to my wife's place for the delivery and came back to work only after he was 6 months. I didn't care what people said, I told my clients I was a part time worker and full time father. Everyone was happy and congratulatory save for my folks. Towards the end when my father admitted he was tired taking on the full load again and asked me to return, that we planned to leave. We left on our terms, for which I fought albeit diplomatically. From the day he was born I fought and have not stopped. Some battles were lost, some were won, and the outcome of others left us humbled, which only made us better people.
When I started out writing this post it was meant to highlight a state of my mind and also to provide some catharsis. The original post was 2,000 words long and felt like it was going nowhere and so this post was born. I still feel like this post is going nowhere but I am able to wrap it up with some semblance of achievement and yes it has definitely been a cathartic experience.
posted by Shreejith @ 20:23
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