Erasing myself. Part 2

The entire internet, weighs roughly about 50 grams.

My over thinking of my internet addiction and wanting to get over it, and get away from this trap seems inconsequential when I start thinking about how my contribution to the internet is nearly non existent.
It also makes it easy to just believe as though whatever I did for the past three years never existed. The people I met, the phone calls, the skype calls, the IM's, every memory. All very easily erasable. All somehow, expendable. Very flimsy

It is quite baffling how something virtual can affect you physically and cause you pain. If you break it down, every internet relationship you've had is just a large bunch of 0's and 1's.
Actually it is easy to be everything you aren't on the internet. There are no social obligations. Just how it became an extension of society, I don't know. When the line between reality and the virtual world blurred, I don't know.

It is easier to let go. Better be lonely than depend on the Internet for company. Time to breakaway from its slimy tentacles.

Time to erase myself.

I remember

I remember it working like a charm
I remember it becoming my drug

I remember how much I wanted to get out

I remember my joy was turning into dismay

I remember the first time I saw
The depth of my attachment to these strangers

My life, I feel, is like an app that has been in beta stage for the past ten years. Each time I don't think before speaking or look before leaping, I have committed grave errors which are quite stupid, really, but grave nevertheless. The error is committed, the brunt for it borne, and I, drown in shame and the liquefied remains of my shattered ego, which by the way has deflated quite considerably. 

I leave this premise wiser and on the lookout so as to not commit such an error but as my concentration is unbelievably fickle, this has happened more than once. Recently however, the lesson seems to have sunk in and introspection has pitched in a tent. Every time I go over what I've done, waves of shame crash over me. I cannot bring myself to believe that I was so immature or so stupid. I wish I had a bit more control on my tongue or fingers for that matter. I realized that I just blurted out whatever came into my head, without giving it a second thought.

I cannot impress upon people just how important it is that carefully chosen words or sufficiently thought upon choice of wording is the way to go with strangers or acquaintances. I have observed this off of a colleagues' behavior. With friends, you need not put a filter on yourself for they like you for who you are. Changing yourself in front of them is changing the person they became friends with. 

I know I can think and behave like the logician I pride myself to be. 

I think the time is ripe to run one final test before turning this app into final version from beta.

This isn't something everyone can relate to. These thoughts have been gnawing at my heads' wall for a long time now. Had to get it out is all.

Redemption

the wind did really blow my cares away.
the wind from the north did it today.
the song of that one day
in my ears did play.

my teenage self is at peace now.
my teenage self is dead now.

I finally know what it means to have a clean state.

A desperate wish

Every time I listen to this particular song on my playlist, I'm taken back to a point in time. I can clearly see the overcast skies and the clouds now tumbling over the western ghats outside my single room window, 35 past 1800. I was just back from another day in university and had plopped onto my chair. Terrible things had happened over the summer and I had just plummeted deeper into depression. I'd been relying on my favourite music to help me out of it and I'd never been more poised to make the change happen. I was never more inspired and was on the cusp of executing this new regime for myself, when it all unfolded.

I'm taken back to this point in time and I wonder. I wonder, if , there would have an alternate ending to that phase in life. I wonder how much it might have changed me. Sure, I'd be depressed for a while longer but I knew I was just another weekend away from taking a leap of faith. I wonder what I might have been doing. I wonder I'd be still where I am and if I'd be as helpless or rather biding my time cautiously, careful not to trod on the wrong pair of feet. I wonder if I'd have amassed some more knowledge. I know I wouldn't have ever known her the way I did and it made so happy that I wished I was transported to that point in time.

My life would have definitely been different.

I wonder if I'd have cut down on procrastinating.

I wonder...

” We waste away dwelling on it, not knowing if what we have dreamed of can become a reality someday “

The only statement made by Dumbledore I don't agree with.

I believe if one has such a dream, regardless of whether it can become a reality or not, one must begin striving to make it a reality. Even if on the way it becomes clear that it will only remain a dream, something else would have been realized. Something else which wasn't as good as what one dreamed of but something good enough. Soon you realize that what was realized instead that which was being pursued, has made you happier and content than what you'd dreamed about.

That is where a person wins.
After all, you make it to the sky, only if you aim for the stars.

Beginnings

“I keep turning over new leaves, and spoiling them, as I used to spoil my copybooks; and I make so many beginnings there never will be an end.”

This quote is my life in a nutshell.

Procrastination is noxious. I can see my new life on the other side of this wall and all that stands in the way are a few defiant bricks. However, for me, nothing is more inspiring more than the fact that unless you fall dead, tomorrow is a new beginning. All I ever wish is that one day I finally push myself to make the change, because I know that the day I do, I will never turn back.

I know, that my life will be different.
All I ever ask, is the strength to push myself.

The future is a palpable one

The image of the future is garbled, it is something which we cannot entirely discern, which makes us want to just hope for everything to pan out just right, and deposits a bearable bit of fear inside a person.

That is the feeling you should let yourself be lead by, because only that feeling will let you listen to your inner voice and make you choose your path, in a way that enables you to see a clearer picture at the end of every step.

It is this very feeling that will lead you to whatever it is you are destined for. I believe there is something for each one of us that lies waiting at the end and what we do in this physical manifestation, is the work towards getting to it. 

7 things that college life will teach us

                                                   
#7:
Relatives had become way more bearable….than ever! You actually missed those irritating aunts and uncles and them annoying cousins. You’d even attend family events just so that you get a chance to interact with society. Basically your time away in the hostels made it possible and once you move back, they all become less endearing with every passing day. Also one truly understands, the hard way, why “there’s no place like home “ and also almost not complaining at all because finally one realises how good one has had it all these years and starts appreciating things more.

#6:
The term freshen-up always meant “go sleep for a while” and that whenever given free time, it was always utilised for sleeping. Sleep had gained utmost importance and showering took a fall in the list of necessary things to do. On weeknights 7 hours sleep didn't cut it for you and on weekend nights, hardly 4-5 hours of sleep was achieved and you are as fresh as a daisy. There is an explanation for this somewhere in the theory of relativity.

#5:
Your caffeine consumption was indirectly proportional to your consumption of water. At one point coffee or tea replaced water. You also know that you’ve become a slave to caffeine like Skywalker to the dark side. One sip of a hot beverage would be enough for you to decide if the caffeine is strong with this one. For some people, on a day when there was no need to stay up late, sleep would be impossible to achieve without a sip of coffee. It may sound crazy but some of you know it’s true.

#4:
One of the most important life-changing lessons that college taught us and we ACTUALLY learnt from is to cope with DEADLINES. Oh yes. Those deadlines were our kryptonite. To make things worse, we also picked up an advanced form of procrastination, an ailment for which there seems to be no cure as such. Procrastination only worsens approaching deadlines and much like our simian ancestors, we evolved to become a class of humans who learned to achieve near perfection on things which were done last moment including the famous last minute studying for exams, which for the ages past has been advised against by all our teachers and professors. As a result of this, hindsight became a part of almost every college goer’s repertoire.

#3:
College is one place where the first year is spent by coping with being tricked, embarrassed by your friends and seniors and PROFESSORS (in capitals because I cannot stress upon the number of times my professor has made me wish I was ostrich and I could bury my head under the sand). All these experiences just give points that help one to level up to a whole new level, that of being shameless. Nothing really embarrasses you anymore because you’ve been embarrassed and put to shame enough to last you a life time. You’re also emboldened which is an added advantage. All your combined experiences make 1) COOL and 2) PREPARE you to face anything and maintain an impressive level of composure. This is nothing but a stepping stone into learning another important aspect of being a student or inexperienced person, SUCKING UP TO PEOPLE. Nothing gets done in colleges or life as such unless you please the ego of someone with authoritah.

#2:
Cash flow management and also appreciation for smaller bills and coins like the 5/-, 10/-, 20/- and the 1’s and 2’s and 5’s kicks in. Having to fit your expenses into your budget is a mountainous task and initially you overshoot by miles and well the “broke experience” is an experience indeed. Learning the hard way has its advantages and well you learn to manage the cash effectively and also learn to prioritise and control spending. It is an entirely different story for blokes who are dating and those who have a steady girlfriend. It’s too painful to even think of narrating their stories with cash flow management and budget issues. One also learns to bargain effectively.

#1:
The most important thing that college has taught everyone is to be independent, to be self-sufficient and to never have to rely on anyone for anything unless you’re bedridden or can’t bear to stand straight because of a sickness. You’ve learnt to fend for yourself the hard way and now you don’t like it when someone interferes or tells you what to do, because you have your set ways and it has always gotten you through. There is a very different kind of discipline one adheres to. This is perhaps something everyone will cherish because even if you find yourself alone ever, you know that as long as you have a book and a cuppa, you’ll never be lonely, because we’ve all had the moments when we were alone at a coffee shop, a restaurant or sometimes even the movies.  
 

I can't think of a title.

The futility of your exercise
Makes me wish your demons I could exorcise
Your thoughts are only beacons
to bring attention ashore.
All it does is fill your mind with a cocktail of poisons.
You bring new meaning to a penny for your thoughts.
I wish you did not let yourself be carried away by the herd.
I wish you said what you felt regardless of whether you'd be heard.
Because attention comes to those who choose not to seek it.





P.S : This is what happens at 3 AM after being on a solid sugar rush. Hope y'all like it.

A load off my chest

Dear Friend turned acquaintance,

I know you won't be offended by the salutation. In fact, silently, I know you're glad that I feel the same way because now its easier for you and now we both can behave accordingly in a chance meeting.
Our circumstantial meeting was quite unnecessary. I never wanted to be in your life and vice versa. But as fate and our mutual friend would have it, we did meet and my erstwhile charm did rub off on you and well it was nice knowing you and in the short while you did know me before the unfortunate series of events, I hope you did as well.

Ours started off like any fast friendship did, but it wasn't meant to be, given how uncomfortably instant everything was.
My behavior during those five days didn't help make anything better. I know this for a fact. I did get to know what everyone was saying behind my back and well, all I have to say is that those days were tough for me and I deserved all the bad mouthing. Those five days were one of the most worst days of my life so far. We never talked much after that incident. Just friendly acknowledgements. Honestly, I'm glad. I was a molten mess. My head was fucked beyond recognition. I worked, and still am working on making a new man of myself. I'm sorry for that week. I know it was already shitty without me adding to it.

Coming to the recent times, our last meeting wasn't the best either. I was still recovering from the past and new my job wasn't helping my situation either. By the time I was back home, I knew that I'd made a mistake. I was in dearth of company and meeting up with all you guys, I leaned a little too hard on you. A little too clingy for anyone. I knew it the moment you'd dropped us off. I knew you'd say no to hanging out the next day, even though our mutual best friend was only in town for a few days and you were leaving the next day.
The point of all this is, that I want to apologize over and over again. I felt terrible for clinging that way, ruining five potentially heavenly days and even having been dragged into your life. I don't blame anyone but myself.
I would say another chance meeting would be nice, just so I can show you that I am different now, because that incident in October was the final straw.

It was genuinely nice knowing you, regardless of how short the time period was. And I still remember the ham incident. That evening was fun. All the days leading up to that evening and night were amazing. Thank you for the memories. I'll make sure you never have to bear with having me around just because J crashes at my place when in town, and even though you never complained about that I feel it my responsibility to do so.

I guess I'll see you around,

All the very best in life,

P

Erasing myself. Part 1

The digital footprint one leaves, is far more messier and interlinked than I had believed. It leaves an after taste that just refuses to leave no matter how hard one tries. The concept of beginning anew is non existent here because everything is cached. You leave trails in places that would surprise you and there would always be that (n+1)th trail that wasn't erased because you weren't aware it existed.

I've been trying for more than a year to leave now. But the Internet is a powerful wizard. 

Such are the days, that any real life trauma can be vented out on the inter-webs and the virtual ears of a person who's willing to just listen is sufficient for anyone who can spell properly and afford an ISP.

What I miss most, ever since the Internet took me in like it did Jeff Bridges, is my attention span. Before, when the Internet wasn't my everything, I took the time to read a book. I read one every two months. I took time to relish the plot, fall in love with a character, inspired by another one and be inconsolably sad after a particularly gripping tale reached its end. Now, I don't have the patience. I like my entertainment just like my coffee. INSTANT. More like instatainment. It is annoying. If the next thing that will make me chuckle doesn't come along in less than a minute or two I lose my patience and go on to a new thing.

But the worst of all is the fact that the instant comfort, instant relief from venting to one of the million ears ready to listen and the fact that if you look close enough you find decent, genuine company online makes it unbelievably difficult to pull away the moment you begin to realize it has slyly taken control over your life.
Some are very careful about how much time they spend on the Inter-webs and hence have no problem with the pulling away. But for those whom it acted as an emotional halfway house, it is extremely difficult. Constant reminders from your brain as to what life can be without it doesn't make it easy at all. It can be safely said that if 0's and 1's are midichlorians , then Internet is the dark side of the force.

A song

A song that rings in your ears even in partial consciousness,
which makes your heart explode into millions of drops of colour,

The glorious, interwoven melody within which you seek answers, 
which takes you places and gives you a high, 

Which forever imprints the first time you ever heard it, in your memory.

The time of day, the weather, the colour of the sky,
what you were doing and what you were thinking of and feeling,

There's one for every season.

It's there for a reason,

It is unadulterated inspiration.

Dear stranger

who came in through the open door.
who followed the shitty trail left behind.
who decided to join the lone man's fire.
who made it obvious to me no one's really alone.
who made it obvious there are more than two peas in a pod
who chose a path quite different to trod
who put an end to an aimless journey.
who made the journey worthwhile.
who made me smile.
who dropped out at the eleventh mile.
who, even though is out there somewhere,
made it easy to move forward and not care
who cared just the right amount
who made things easier
who seems like a dream.

For who's short presence in my life I thank my stars.
Farewell.