Coming back to life

Perennial. Persistent, never ending. And I would like to add slightly chaotic too. These past couple of months have been stressful and the extremely bothersome. But then again, as I sit outside in the balcony enjoying the brilliance of a mid June afternoon cooled by clouds who’ve just exhausted their supply of rain, I cannot help but wonder in awe about the duality of our life. How, it seamlessly weaves in from one dark, disturbing event after the other, to open into a beautiful , gloomy day like today that comes along and just lifts your spirits. I love these kinds of days the most. I feel it reflects on how I feel about a lot of things in life and having my mind set as a physical tapestry and some John Mayer playing , the mind whirs slowly, thinks about all things procrastinated upon and sometimes shunned. It contemplates up on bolted doors, repressed memories, decides to make peace with the past. Even though they’re behind doors, your mind doesn’t fail to remind you of its existence and your intense desire to stay away from having to deal with it ever, puts you in a taxing fix, after this repeats for quite some time, the head begins to hurt, the anger towards the past slowly ebbs away (much to my surprise). But it is a difficult process. After decades of nurturing the hate, the hurt, slowly you want to deal with it and bury it for good. While this is excellent for one’s mental health, even wanting to nurture that thought of wanting to deal with it is taxing. But I’ve got amazing friends. Two of them persuaded me, more like coaxed me into dealing with things. Confronting them. I always acted as mediator when something went wrong  between people I knew. A negotiator. But when it came to deal with my own problems, I couldn’t negotiate with myself or confront them. You begin to wonder on the anger and the toll its taken on you for these years. I have always counted on this very anger to fuel me to live and become somebody, achieve something. In hindsight, I’ve failed more than I have succeeded. Whenever I have succeeded this anger wasn’t the reason and slowly I was made to realize that this anger will pretty much consume me. Rage is good I’d say, controlled channeled rage. Mine was just all over the place and like superpowers that need to be kept under wraps I knew I needed to control my rage and deal with my issues, otherwise I’d be stuck in a stinky rut for all eternity. This very thought I felt was stimulus enough because I could see myself beginning to try. My friends’ voices were echoing in my head and although I was totally against what they wanted me to do, I did do what they asked. It was a percentage of the battle won. Slowly all the doors were opened and I was surprised to find some were empty, but the ugliest monsters did come out , waiting to be killed, menacing. I didn’t strike any of them down. I hugged them and wished them away. A look in the eye, a silent prayer for redemption, a genuine wish to wanting to start over was all that was ever need. They smiled and vanished in a pop, leaving only forgiveness and warmth behind and a dollop of happiness. This is a great feeling. You know the great feeling you get from antacid after severe heartburn? This is EXACTLY the same. You can breathe, you can smile, you can hope and you can be genuinely happy. It gives you strength and will power and it gives you a new lease of life. The annals of our mind is a place much like the Room of Requirement. It becomes whatever we wish it to be. It also reacts to what we put into it. All these repressed emotions, the bad memories, the hurt, the grief, it makes the mind a vengeful mind, that which cannot entertain a happy thought or hope. It loses the will or want to trust and even though a yearning to love and trust and be loved and trusted arises, the vengeful mind kills it and it only destroys the person further, making them a shell of who they were. I grew up with this bitterness and now that I’ve let it go, I have no idea what the fuck I’m going to do. I have known the taste of these things well now. I have also understood how these feelings can be channeled to our advantage. But now that everything is over, what’s next? It’s a wonderful feeling to feel free. It is scary, but it is extremely wonderful to forgive and move on. To let go of all that hurt and broke us. We get wounded, sometimes its a scratch, sometimes its a cut so deep , we only wish for death. But everything heals. The mind wants to heal, the heart wants to heal, it is up to each individual to permit that process to happen. It is a tough one, but when it happens, it opens a portal to a new world.
It’s a beautiful world, that is full of new, endless possibilities, where you have the power to do what it is you want.